Shade and Shadows

I always wanted to be your shade
While hiding in your shadow
Shade cools down and shields your eyes
As you lay on the beach
But I dwell in your shadow
Your love just out of reach
Shade it helps your garden grow
And helps your flowers bloom
Shadows lurk in the dark
Sneaking from room to room
Shade you keep in your heart
So cozy and just right
Shadows bring anxiety
Shadows bring fear & fright
I wanted to be your shade,
Every moment of my life
But I’m forced to lurk in the shadows
Hiding just out of sight…

Unsent Poems, Wasted Time

I don’t want to write these poems
I don’t want to type these lines
I just want you back
I just want you to be mine
I wish that you could hold you again
Wish I could just be your friend
Wish this wasn’t so hard
Learning to live again
Learning to live without you
Learning to walk alone
Learning how to survive
Now that your love is gone
Now that you’ve moved on
Now I have to figure out
How to make it on my own
When you said I wouldn’t have to
That I could always depend on you
Now I wish I had some clue
Of what it is I need to do
But I’m left to write these poems
And left to write these lines
Left all alone pretending
That I’m okay, pretending that I’m fine

Sleeping On My Back

I used to sleep on my back
And pretend your head was on my chest
I could feel you breathing
I could feel your breath
I used to fall asleep to the sound of pouring rain
And dream about holding you
In my arms again
I used to sleep with my phone
And see your face whenever I felt alone
I used to sleep so soundly
Back when I dreamt of you beside me
Sometimes I don’t sleep at all
Trying to escape the memories
Trying to hide from our fall
I used to sleep and dream of us
And the future was so wonderful.
Just existing in your life
Eventually calling you my wife
Now I don’t sleep, it hurts too much,
Knowing that there’s no longer us
And that when I close my eyes to sleep
Those dreams I dreamed will never be
I used to sleep on my back
And pretend your head was on my chest
I could feel you breathing
I could feel your breath
I used to fall asleep to the sound of pouring rain
Now I toss and turn all night long,
Unable to sleep from all the pain

Catching 22 Feelings

I started writing to ease the pain
Hoping that I would see you again
Every time I closed my eyes
I saw your face
You were always here
A part of each and every day
I started writing because I had no one to talk to
Not the way we used to
I started writing about my love for you
And all the pain you put me through
Started writing To try to feel better
Better about losing my forever.
What happens if finally
Another comes to set me free.
If someone comes and heals my heart
What happens to these rhymes if I start
To heal myself, my family
And realize you and I will never be
What happens if I figure out
That like you, I can live without
What happens to my poetry
If you do decide that you want me
I’d gladly give up these words I’m force to write
If I could have you by my side
And I could hold you through the night
Without this pain inside my mind
I would trade all this pain
To write you letters of love again
About how much you mean to me
But I guess we’ll have to wait and see
If I ever close my eyes and can’t see your face
Will these words and the pain finally go away?

How Did We Get Here?

How did we get from there to here?
How did thinking you go from joy to tears?
How did we go from talking all the time?
How did we go from “You’ll Always Be Mine”
How did we lose our “Always and Forever”
How did we lose “I’ll never leave you ever?
How did we go from “We’ll always be friends”
Is this how it ends,
Never speaking again?
How is it that I was there for you.
Remember when you said
You’d be here for me too?
When I needed you the most
Nowhere to be found,
You’re a ghost.
Off building your new life,
Enjoying a a life finally free
To be just who you want to be
A life that you promised
Would always include me.
I’m the one who suggested no labels
And loving each other with no timetables
Now the labels are dropped
And the tables have turned
And I’m the one who’s left to learn
To live with a heart that’s been burned
To try to move on from a love that was spurned
How did I get here?
Where do I go now?
How do I manage to grow now?
When I all ever wanted was you.
To love me the way you promised to.
To hold my hand and say it’ll all be okay
To spend my time with you every day.
Damn, I wish I had been stronger
And held on to you just a little longer
Or if you could look at me the way you looked at her.
Or that you’d been honest from the start
And said she was the one who had your heart.
I could have sucked it up and moved on
But instead you gave me hope
And for a few months you turned my life upside down
Made me smile inside, inside and out
Taught me what love was about
And then you took your love away
But promised friends we’d always stay
But it hurts too much to see
You move on without me.
And what you don’t even see.
is how I’m dying inside again
Because I lost not just a lover
But I also lost my best friend

The New Girl

Do I really like her
Or am I just missing you
I don’t want to ever
Put her through
What I’ve just been through
She’s a beautiful person
With a great personality
Am I a fool to think
That she could ever like me
You said you loved me
And that you’d leave me never
No you don’t even check on me
What happened to forever?
Do I really like her?
Can I do this again?
Can I put myself out there
Can I let someone else in?
She has her own life,
She doesn’t need me.
She doesn’t write all the time
She barely pays me a mention
But why do I always feel
The need for her attention?
Do I really like her?
Knowing she’s not you
Or am I simply trying to replace
The way that I felt,
When I felt about you?

Do I Matter?

Do I even matter?
Do you even care?
What happened to
“We’ll always be friends”?
How come you’re no longer there?
You said that you’d be here,
When I needed you.
But you said a lot of things-
Was any of it true?
You asked for time
You asked for space
Needed to find yourself
You left me here all alone
I can’t turn to
Anyone else
My head’s constantly aching
And my heart? It’s all shattered
Every time I think of you
And see that you’ve moved on
Every day my heart’s breaking
Realizing that you’re gone.
Do you even care?
Do I really matter?
Do you care I’m lying here
Emotionally beaten and battered?

That Was Him, Not Me

How am I getting punished
For something that I didn’t do?
Why do I have to suffer,
For giving my heart to you?
He took your heart,
Ripped it apart,
He tore out your soul.
I held your hand.
Showed you were stronger than
I tried to make you whole.
Waited all these years,
Even wiped your tears
Thought it was plain to see.
That we would together,
Outlast the weather
Covered you during the storm
You said Forever
I said I’d never
Intentionally do you any harm.
My word’s always my bond
The truth to you, that I’d always tell.
Gave you my heart, from the very start
For you, I fell fast, I fell hard.
You talked of weddings
You brought up marriage
You’re the one who said always.
You promised someday,
You promised one day,
That we’d have All the Things
All of our wishes, All of our Hopes.
That we’d live out our Dreams
For all to see,
See what true love really means.
You needed space, you needed time,
Needed to find yourself.
I held your hand, I’d understand
Put back the pieces left
Of your heart, that’s torn all apart,
Hidden behind a wall.
Gave you my all,
Beside you, stood tall,
But for me, your love did stall.
I gave you all of me,
told you all my secrets
Gave you my broken heart,
And all it’s shattered pieces.
I listened when you worried,
I listened when you cried.
I loved you when you felt uneasy
When life ripped you up inside.
I shared my fears, shared my tears
Promised you all of my time.
I waited years, so many years
‘Til I thought that you were finally mine.
Made you my world, Promised you the world,
Promised always to be true.
But so did he and you can’t see,
That I was the one who’s meant for you.
Hurtful words he said, stuck in your head
Now you’re the one that’s pensive
No more love, Away you shoved
Your heart is now defensive.
But your heart’s now cold,
Full of pain, turned into a stone.
You insist on living your new life
One of being all alone.
I am left to atone
For some other man’s sins.
When all I did
Was show you the love
That was meant for you all along.
I sent you songs, I wrote you poems
What all did I do wrong?
Except want to share your life,
And make you my new wife
And for you to finally see
That I was sent here to wipe your tears
And show you what true love was meant to be…
He was the one that hurt you,
I’d never desert you.
That was him, not me…

Relationship PTSD

The highs were HIGH
And now the lows are LOW
Trying to hide
How I feel inside
Feelings no one
Can ever know
Your love for me
It fed my soul
Your love for me
It made me whole
Now there’s nothing left
But this empty hole
And my truth
Cannot be told
I loved you
You said you loved me
You promised our love
Would forever be
To be with you
I’d have to hurt her
I love her yes,
But not in love with her
But then you needed space
And you needed time
Moved on with your life
Your heart no longer mine
My heart is aching
My heart is breaking
Relationship severed
Forever has now turned to never
The way that he left
Got you all shook
And so your heart
From me you took
Gave mine back to me
So you could be free
To love only her
And now I’m left
With all of this pain
Do I dare try
To find love again
Or do I stay here?
With all my fears
To save the one I married
From all of these tears
For you, I’m crying
Heart feels like dying
Can I pass this pain
On to another
I feel like dirt
Spreading this hurt
To someone I care for
But in love no more
But still love
The uneasiness
And all of the stress
The highs and the lows
Trying not to show
Feelings trapped inside
Tears that are cried
From him to you
From you to me
From me to her
A viscous cycle
Relationship PTSD

It’s Not Her, It’s Me

She comes home
From a long day at work
I fix her a dinner plate
Fold the laundry
Feed the kids
Take the dogs out
Feed the birds
Scoop the litter box
Get kids ready for bed
Gather her underwear and socks
Find clean towels
Make the bed
Let her watch her favorite show
I’m such a doting house husband
My secret she doesn’t know
Do it all, smile on my face
Up early in morning
Stay up late
She hasn’t figured out
That I wander around the house
To avoid the words
To her I’ll one day say
“I loved you, but it’s much too late
Loved you, but I cannot stay…”
I need to find someone
Who can care for me
Like I cared for you,
Do all those things
You do not do.
It’s not your fault
You did nothing wrong.
It’s that I need
To fulfill all my needs
A partner in all things common
Someone who
Likes to cook and clean
Someone who’ll take care of me
I know it’s sounds cliché
But I can’t say it another way
I love you. I’ll always love you.
I’m thankful for all that you do.
For all of your love and our family.
It’s not you…. It’s me…