Day Drinking

Day Drinking
Keeps me from thinking
Which keeps me from sinking
Further into my feelings
But the drinking
Still leads to thinking
And drunk thinking
Leaves me reeling
And all up in my feelings
My emotions hit the ceiling
Overthinking
Stop drinking
Stop thinking
Stop this sinking
Turn off my feelings
Stop all this reeling
Can’t do this again
Trying to numb the pain
Makes it hurt more
Just close that door
What’s it all for?
But I need to numb the feeling
Need to stop overthinking
So I just keep day drinking
And I just keep sinking
It’s a vicious cycle…

What Scares Me

I think what scares me
Is uncertainty
Of not knowing
What’s happening
Live in the moment
Enjoy the day
Enjoy each breath
Stop worrying about
The time you have left
But I have to know
How things will end
Before my brain
Can even begin
To think about
The here and now
Turn it off?
I don’t know how.
I need to know
I need to plan
Just in case
Something happens
Sitting still
Waiting
Hesitating
Anticipating
Dreading
Fretting
Never forgetting
When I was a kid
Life was simple
But turbulent
Back when ignorance
Was bliss
Why am I now like this
Always needing to be in control
Always looking for a way to hold-
On and navigate the storms
That my come,
Is this my new norm?
Living through anxiety
Chaos is what scares me
As I worry about not knowing
Which way this life is going
To turn out, just like I planned
I try to speak it into existence
Hoping that I’ve earned the right
To take the next step in my life
Where calm replaces chaos & strife
And in the world
I just exist
No longer
Am I doing this
Have I done my job
Have I done my best
Or was all this worry
Simply useless?

It Must Be Me

It must be me
Trust only deceives
I take people for what I see
I want to believe
All I do is grieve
When they’re not who
I expect them to be
So I shut down again
And hide the pain
Until someone new comes along
Then it starts again
I forgot the plan
Then they too prove me wrong
Letting them in
That is my sin
And believing they’re just like me
But they’re not really there
They don’t really care
Even after they swear
They’ll always be there
To lend an ear
So I get so excited
Finally, I’ll be set free
But the friendship
Is only one-sided
I must be me
Stop putting my faith in thee
Stop overreacting
Cuz I have no friends
Who I can depend
A shoulder to lean on?
I’m lacking.
So I’ll withdraw once more
Closing another door
Because I’m just socially awkward
Because no one I see
Is quite like me
Nobody really gets me
Until the next time
Committing the same crime
Assuming someone will come save me
They can’t hear silent cries
Can’t see through my disguise
Nobody can tell that I’m faking
Whole life feels like a lie
I’m dying inside
Whole body’s numb
I’m shaking
Maybe one day, I’ll find joy
Maybe someday, I’ll find peace
And going through life won’t be a chore
And I’ll finally calm the beast
Who lives deep inside
Who I try to hide
Keep him away from the surface
But I wonder if it’s worth it
If I finally shout
And let the beast out
Would anyone even notice?

Why Am I Like This?

Why am I like this?
Why do I feel everything so deeply?
Why do I always fall?
Why am I like this?
Why am I shutting down again?
Why do I get so excited?
Why do I let people in?
Why am I like this?
Why am I this way?
Why do I get so caught up?
Why do I make them run away?
Why am I like this?
Why can’t I be happy?
Why can’t I find joy
In what’s right in front of me?
Why am I like this?
Why does it always hurt?
Why do I always end up
Feeling like a jerk?
Why am I like this?
Why doesn’t anybody else see?
That I don’t want to be here,
That it hurts to be me?
Why am I like this?
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I imagine,
That I can escape
To somewhere else?
And what happens if one day
I’m finally lucky enough to get away?
Will I still be like this?
Will this pain finally go away?

A New Home

I wanted to give you a new home
The new home of your dreams
Let you decorate on your own
Filled with your favorite things
Paint the bedroom, paint the door
The stair case and the wall
The living room, the kitchen
You can paint them all.
Get rid of all the clutter.
Simplify your life
Time to start all over
A fresh, new start for us both
As husband and wife
But your life is there
And my life is here
You’ve moved on
And started over
As I drown in my tears
You never really needed me
That was easy to see
I just wanted you to want me
Wanted you to set me free
You didn’t need a new home
Or even a new life in Tennessee
You painted over the old one
Your painting didn’t include me
You got rid of all the clutter
Made room for your new things
Made room for the things you hold dear
But no room for me
You made that easy to see

So This Is Moving On?

I’m not mad
I’m no longer sad
I’ve got no hard feelings
Towards you
I guess in a way
You could say
That I’m trying to be
Just like you
Trying to move on
Trying to be strong
Trying to find my way
I’m tired of the tears
I’m tired of the fear
I’m tired of being lost
Without you
I’m tired of pretending
Tired of thinking we can be
What we were back then
You wanted time and space
I’m no longer waiting to waste
My time, hoping things change
You’re moved on over there
You don’t seem to care
That we’re not even just friends
You’re just someone I know
Someone who chose
To walk out of my life
Done with the anger
The love for a stranger
And a heart full of strife
It’s time to find peace
Time for me to see
That I too
Can be happy

What Happens Next?

So what happens next
Now that I’ve decide to move on?
What happens to my creativity
Now that my love for you is gone?
What happens to my words
No longer written down in pain
I won’t allow you cause me sorrow
Won’t let you hurt me once again
I’ve decided to move on now
Time to learn to be strong
Time to get my life back on track
Time to start on a new song
No, I am not bitter,
You helped me find my voice
But you left my heart in splinters
Move on, I have no choice.
So what happens next?
Now that I’ve decided to move on
What happens to my creativity
Now that my love for you is gone?

Closing the Door

I guess it’s time
To close that door
And finally walk away
I just don’t feel
The same anymore
I’ve got to learn to be okay
With not talking to you
And causing myself
Such pain
While I’ve hung on
You’ve moved on
And you’re not
Coming back again
Time to close the door
On you,
Time to close the door
On us
Time for me to realize
That we’re finally through
Time to pick my heart
Up out of the dust
Time for me
To finally see
That you don’t want me anymore
Time for me to realize
You’re not walking back
Through that door.
But if and when
You finally do
I’ll no longer be here
Because I’m done
Chasing you
I’m shedding my last tear.
You needed time
You needed space
So I just sat here
Running in place.
But you’ve moved on
Your heart is gone
And I’m alone here,
Spinning my wheels.
I’ve had a thought
To move off this spot,
It’s finally time for me
To break the seal.
To close the door
Lock it and
Throw away the key.
Time for me
To move on from you
The way you’ve
Moved on from me…

Stained Glass Windows

I sat alone
There in that pew
Staring out
The stained glass windows
Thinking about you
Wishing that you
Were by my side
To hold my hand,
If I cried.
Wondering
Where you’d be,
If I should happen to die
Would you sit in the gallery?
Or would you sit with the family?
And who would comfort you,
When you cried?
Would you even
Cry for me?
The stained glass windows
The sunlight shining through
And all I could do
Was think of you
As I sat alone there
Alone in that pew
Wishing you could love me too
Love me the way you used to
Wishing you were
By my side
To hold my hand
When I cried.
I was there to mourn
The loss of a dear friend.
But as I sat there
I thought of you again
Hoping to never sit
Alone in another pew
Sitting all alone,
Without you…

The Overthinking Overthinker

I make up scenarios
Inside my own head
That fills my insides
Up with dread
It’s like I keep
Pulling my own thread
Completely unraveling
To words left unsaid
Because I only do this
To myself
Nobody even knows
This private Hell
Trapped inside
This lonesome cell
To no one else
These secrets I tell
Because I makeup
Scenarios in my own head
I overthink
I need a drink
To quench this thirst
Just makes it worse
Because my head spins
And my whole world ends
These nightmares I create
Destined to become my fate
On you I cannot wait
No one else I can depend
Because I make up
Scenarios in my own head
Filling my insides up with dread
I keep pulling my own thread
Completely unraveling
To words left unsaid
Because I only do this
To myself…