STRANGERS

The moment we first met
I felt us connect
And you said you felt it too
Then we became friends
With an invisible bond, a tether
Our friendship could end? Never!
I always loved you from afar
Held a space deep in my heart
But I could never tell you
I didn’t want to ruin it
Didn’t want to see our friendship end
But we shared a bond so deep
We shared a bond so true
One day I finally had to tell you-
I told you my hopes
I told you my fears
I told you my dreams
I showed you my tears
I gave you my heart
To you, I bared my soul
You promised to be here
Together, We’d grow old
You let me in
Said we’d still be friends
No matter what happens…
But now you’ve moved on-
Both love and friendship are gone
Another shot in the gut
But I’m such a dope
For holding out hope
That one day we’ll be together
Just a bump in the road
On our path to always
Our path to forever
But I’m still here
And you’re still there
We don’t even talk any more
I can’t look at you
Without feeling blue
Can’t think of you and not be sad
Should have kept it inside
I shouldn’t have tried…
I could have saved my tears
Would have saved a whole year
A year of sadness and anger
But I tempted Fate
And I learned too late
That we’re not even friends
We’re just Strangers…

Wanting to See You

I thought I wanted to see you
I figured enough time had passed
I thought I was finally over
Finally over you at last
But then I remembered last Christmas
I remembered all the words you said
I remembered last December
When Always meant Forever
Back when we were more than friends.
I thought I wanted to see you
I thought that had I moved on
But now the thought has me triggered
Now I know that I was wrong.
I still not over you
No matter how much time has passed
Eleven months is just not enough
To wipe away our past.
I thought I wanted to see you
But I think I’ll just drive right by
To save myself from the tears
To save myself from being That Guy
I thought I wanted to see you
I figured that I had moved on
But now the thought of you has me triggered
Now I know that I was wrong.

Day Drinking

Day Drinking
Keeps me from thinking
Which keeps me from sinking
Further into my feelings
But the drinking
Still leads to thinking
And drunk thinking
Leaves me reeling
And all up in my feelings
My emotions hit the ceiling
Overthinking
Stop drinking
Stop thinking
Stop this sinking
Turn off my feelings
Stop all this reeling
Can’t do this again
Trying to numb the pain
Makes it hurt more
Just close that door
What’s it all for?
But I need to numb the feeling
Need to stop overthinking
So I just keep day drinking
And I just keep sinking
It’s a vicious cycle…

What Scares Me

I think what scares me
Is uncertainty
Of not knowing
What’s happening
Live in the moment
Enjoy the day
Enjoy each breath
Stop worrying about
The time you have left
But I have to know
How things will end
Before my brain
Can even begin
To think about
The here and now
Turn it off?
I don’t know how.
I need to know
I need to plan
Just in case
Something happens
Sitting still
Waiting
Hesitating
Anticipating
Dreading
Fretting
Never forgetting
When I was a kid
Life was simple
But turbulent
Back when ignorance
Was bliss
Why am I now like this
Always needing to be in control
Always looking for a way to hold-
On and navigate the storms
That my come,
Is this my new norm?
Living through anxiety
Chaos is what scares me
As I worry about not knowing
Which way this life is going
To turn out, just like I planned
I try to speak it into existence
Hoping that I’ve earned the right
To take the next step in my life
Where calm replaces chaos & strife
And in the world
I just exist
No longer
Am I doing this
Have I done my job
Have I done my best
Or was all this worry
Simply useless?

It Must Be Me

It must be me
Trust only deceives
I take people for what I see
I want to believe
All I do is grieve
When they’re not who
I expect them to be
So I shut down again
And hide the pain
Until someone new comes along
Then it starts again
I forgot the plan
Then they too prove me wrong
Letting them in
That is my sin
And believing they’re just like me
But they’re not really there
They don’t really care
Even after they swear
They’ll always be there
To lend an ear
So I get so excited
Finally, I’ll be set free
But the friendship
Is only one-sided
I must be me
Stop putting my faith in thee
Stop overreacting
Cuz I have no friends
Who I can depend
A shoulder to lean on?
I’m lacking.
So I’ll withdraw once more
Closing another door
Because I’m just socially awkward
Because no one I see
Is quite like me
Nobody really gets me
Until the next time
Committing the same crime
Assuming someone will come save me
They can’t hear silent cries
Can’t see through my disguise
Nobody can tell that I’m faking
Whole life feels like a lie
I’m dying inside
Whole body’s numb
I’m shaking
Maybe one day, I’ll find joy
Maybe someday, I’ll find peace
And going through life won’t be a chore
And I’ll finally calm the beast
Who lives deep inside
Who I try to hide
Keep him away from the surface
But I wonder if it’s worth it
If I finally shout
And let the beast out
Would anyone even notice?

Why Am I Like This?

Why am I like this?
Why do I feel everything so deeply?
Why do I always fall?
Why am I like this?
Why am I shutting down again?
Why do I get so excited?
Why do I let people in?
Why am I like this?
Why am I this way?
Why do I get so caught up?
Why do I make them run away?
Why am I like this?
Why can’t I be happy?
Why can’t I find joy
In what’s right in front of me?
Why am I like this?
Why does it always hurt?
Why do I always end up
Feeling like a jerk?
Why am I like this?
Why doesn’t anybody else see?
That I don’t want to be here,
That it hurts to be me?
Why am I like this?
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I imagine,
That I can escape
To somewhere else?
And what happens if one day
I’m finally lucky enough to get away?
Will I still be like this?
Will this pain finally go away?

A New Home

I wanted to give you a new home
The new home of your dreams
Let you decorate on your own
Filled with your favorite things
Paint the bedroom, paint the door
The stair case and the wall
The living room, the kitchen
You can paint them all.
Get rid of all the clutter.
Simplify your life
Time to start all over
A fresh, new start for us both
As husband and wife
But your life is there
And my life is here
You’ve moved on
And started over
As I drown in my tears
You never really needed me
That was easy to see
I just wanted you to want me
Wanted you to set me free
You didn’t need a new home
Or even a new life in Tennessee
You painted over the old one
Your painting didn’t include me
You got rid of all the clutter
Made room for your new things
Made room for the things you hold dear
But no room for me
You made that easy to see

A Falling Leaf

A falling leaf
But I’m at peace
Because the sun’s still shining
As I sit all alone
Out here on my own
Trying to find me
And just like the sun,
Life does move on
I’m putting you behind me
I thought my world
Had come to an end
Trying to live without you
But I was too blind to see
The world around me
There’s so much more to do
Than sit at home
To cry and moan
Because the love you promised
Wasn’t true
So I sit alone
Out here on my own
I’m finally at peace
The leaves have replaced the tears
It’s been a long year
The highs were high
And the lows were low
But the sun’s still shining
As I sit all alone
Out here on my own
Trying to find me
And just like the sun,
Life does move on
I’m putting you behind me

So This Is Moving On?

I’m not mad
I’m no longer sad
I’ve got no hard feelings
Towards you
I guess in a way
You could say
That I’m trying to be
Just like you
Trying to move on
Trying to be strong
Trying to find my way
I’m tired of the tears
I’m tired of the fear
I’m tired of being lost
Without you
I’m tired of pretending
Tired of thinking we can be
What we were back then
You wanted time and space
I’m no longer waiting to waste
My time, hoping things change
You’re moved on over there
You don’t seem to care
That we’re not even just friends
You’re just someone I know
Someone who chose
To walk out of my life
Done with the anger
The love for a stranger
And a heart full of strife
It’s time to find peace
Time for me to see
That I too
Can be happy

Closing the Door

I guess it’s time
To close that door
And finally walk away
I just don’t feel
The same anymore
I’ve got to learn to be okay
With not talking to you
And causing myself
Such pain
While I’ve hung on
You’ve moved on
And you’re not
Coming back again
Time to close the door
On you,
Time to close the door
On us
Time for me to realize
That we’re finally through
Time to pick my heart
Up out of the dust
Time for me
To finally see
That you don’t want me anymore
Time for me to realize
You’re not walking back
Through that door.
But if and when
You finally do
I’ll no longer be here
Because I’m done
Chasing you
I’m shedding my last tear.
You needed time
You needed space
So I just sat here
Running in place.
But you’ve moved on
Your heart is gone
And I’m alone here,
Spinning my wheels.
I’ve had a thought
To move off this spot,
It’s finally time for me
To break the seal.
To close the door
Lock it and
Throw away the key.
Time for me
To move on from you
The way you’ve
Moved on from me…