Wanting to See You

I thought I wanted to see you
I figured enough time had passed
I thought I was finally over
Finally over you at last
But then I remembered last Christmas
I remembered all the words you said
I remembered last December
When Always meant Forever
Back when we were more than friends.
I thought I wanted to see you
I thought that had I moved on
But now the thought has me triggered
Now I know that I was wrong.
I still not over you
No matter how much time has passed
Eleven months is just not enough
To wipe away our past.
I thought I wanted to see you
But I think I’ll just drive right by
To save myself from the tears
To save myself from being That Guy
I thought I wanted to see you
I figured that I had moved on
But now the thought of you has me triggered
Now I know that I was wrong.

It Must Be Me

It must be me
Trust only deceives
I take people for what I see
I want to believe
All I do is grieve
When they’re not who
I expect them to be
So I shut down again
And hide the pain
Until someone new comes along
Then it starts again
I forgot the plan
Then they too prove me wrong
Letting them in
That is my sin
And believing they’re just like me
But they’re not really there
They don’t really care
Even after they swear
They’ll always be there
To lend an ear
So I get so excited
Finally, I’ll be set free
But the friendship
Is only one-sided
I must be me
Stop putting my faith in thee
Stop overreacting
Cuz I have no friends
Who I can depend
A shoulder to lean on?
I’m lacking.
So I’ll withdraw once more
Closing another door
Because I’m just socially awkward
Because no one I see
Is quite like me
Nobody really gets me
Until the next time
Committing the same crime
Assuming someone will come save me
They can’t hear silent cries
Can’t see through my disguise
Nobody can tell that I’m faking
Whole life feels like a lie
I’m dying inside
Whole body’s numb
I’m shaking
Maybe one day, I’ll find joy
Maybe someday, I’ll find peace
And going through life won’t be a chore
And I’ll finally calm the beast
Who lives deep inside
Who I try to hide
Keep him away from the surface
But I wonder if it’s worth it
If I finally shout
And let the beast out
Would anyone even notice?

Why Am I Like This?

Why am I like this?
Why do I feel everything so deeply?
Why do I always fall?
Why am I like this?
Why am I shutting down again?
Why do I get so excited?
Why do I let people in?
Why am I like this?
Why am I this way?
Why do I get so caught up?
Why do I make them run away?
Why am I like this?
Why can’t I be happy?
Why can’t I find joy
In what’s right in front of me?
Why am I like this?
Why does it always hurt?
Why do I always end up
Feeling like a jerk?
Why am I like this?
Why doesn’t anybody else see?
That I don’t want to be here,
That it hurts to be me?
Why am I like this?
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I imagine,
That I can escape
To somewhere else?
And what happens if one day
I’m finally lucky enough to get away?
Will I still be like this?
Will this pain finally go away?

So This Is Moving On?

I’m not mad
I’m no longer sad
I’ve got no hard feelings
Towards you
I guess in a way
You could say
That I’m trying to be
Just like you
Trying to move on
Trying to be strong
Trying to find my way
I’m tired of the tears
I’m tired of the fear
I’m tired of being lost
Without you
I’m tired of pretending
Tired of thinking we can be
What we were back then
You wanted time and space
I’m no longer waiting to waste
My time, hoping things change
You’re moved on over there
You don’t seem to care
That we’re not even just friends
You’re just someone I know
Someone who chose
To walk out of my life
Done with the anger
The love for a stranger
And a heart full of strife
It’s time to find peace
Time for me to see
That I too
Can be happy

What Happens Next?

So what happens next
Now that I’ve decide to move on?
What happens to my creativity
Now that my love for you is gone?
What happens to my words
No longer written down in pain
I won’t allow you cause me sorrow
Won’t let you hurt me once again
I’ve decided to move on now
Time to learn to be strong
Time to get my life back on track
Time to start on a new song
No, I am not bitter,
You helped me find my voice
But you left my heart in splinters
Move on, I have no choice.
So what happens next?
Now that I’ve decided to move on
What happens to my creativity
Now that my love for you is gone?

The Overthinking Overthinker

I make up scenarios
Inside my own head
That fills my insides
Up with dread
It’s like I keep
Pulling my own thread
Completely unraveling
To words left unsaid
Because I only do this
To myself
Nobody even knows
This private Hell
Trapped inside
This lonesome cell
To no one else
These secrets I tell
Because I makeup
Scenarios in my own head
I overthink
I need a drink
To quench this thirst
Just makes it worse
Because my head spins
And my whole world ends
These nightmares I create
Destined to become my fate
On you I cannot wait
No one else I can depend
Because I make up
Scenarios in my own head
Filling my insides up with dread
I keep pulling my own thread
Completely unraveling
To words left unsaid
Because I only do this
To myself…

My Blue Hockey Jacket

My blue hockey jacket
Sits in the bottom of a bag
A hidden reminder
Of what I used to have
It was my favorite jacket
I wore it the last time we met
Back when always
Meant forever
I haven’t worn it since December
We had the best time
From what I remember
That night I draped it on your pillow
Because it still smelled like you
When I awoke the next morning
After dreaming of us, two
My blue jacket there
Pretending it was you
I was wearing it that January day
When you took your heart away
Stunned, I took it off
Not knowing what to say
My blue hockey jacket
Sits in the bottom of a bag
A hidden reminder
Of what I used to have
It was my favorite jacket
I used to wear it all the time
Now it’s just another reminder
That you’re no longer mine
Learning to live without you,
My hockey jacket
Isn’t the only thing that’s blue…

False Hope

I read your posts
I scroll through your timeline
I don’t know what I’m looking for
Don’t know what I’m hoping to find.
I just keep sitting here
Spinning my wheels
It hurts too bad to tell you
Exactly how I feel
It hurts inside pretending
That I don’t care at all
Hurts too bad wishing
One day you’ll text or call
So I sit here each day
Full of false hope
My heart tied to an anchor
This hope is the rope
That one day we’ll be together
You and I once again
But I also know it might be never
And we may not even be friends
Our twin paths intersected
Intertwined and then diverged
Life was so much better
When our paths did merge
But you had to go your own way
And I had to go mine
Still I keep hoping
Again our paths will intertwine
Til then I’ll keep pretending
And tugging on this rope
That anchors your heart to mine
And fills me with false hope.

Turning Back The Clock

Turning back time
Before there was a you and I
Trying to forget
The words you said and why
Turning back the clock
To when we were merely friends
A joke here, a comment there
There was no love to end
Except you were always in my heart
And always on my mind
You were there from the start
You were there all the time
No I have to pretend
That I never loved you
Turned back the clock
To when we were just friends
Back before I told you
But it’s difficult to erase
All the feelings that you gave me
It’s difficult not to see your face
When I close my eyes and dream
Because I have always loved you
Loved you from the very start
In my dreams, it was always you
Who lived inside my heart
So I just can’t turn back the clock
Can’t twist the hands of time
Because even though
I never said the words
I always wanted you to be mine.
Easy for you to move on
Accept our love’s now gone
But you were the center
Of my world
To me you were the sun.
You turned back the hands of time
Before there was a you and I
I guess you forgot
The words you said
Forgot the reasons why
Now to you, we’re just friends again
There’s no more you and I…

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

I know that you don’t need me
I just hope that someday
You’ll want to be with me again
Right now I feel like strangers
We’re no longer living as friends
You were made for me
I was made for you,
At least that’s what it seemed
You were the one I always wanted
The one I saw in every dream
You have proved you can live your life
Live your life all alone
But just because can,
Doesn’t mean you should
Are we really over?
Are we done for good?
Out of sight,
Out of mind
Sums up how I feel
Gave you space
Gave you time
So that your heart could heal
But while you’re gone,
While you’ve moved on
My heart breaks
My heart aches
Hoping that you’ll turn around
And pick my heart up from the ground
I suffer in silence
I don’t dare make a sound
But your silence
Is like violence
It rips me apart
Knowing that I no longer
Live inside your heart
Out of sight,
Out of mind
Sums up how I feel
I wish I could turn back time
Back when our love was real….