Day Drinking

Day Drinking
Keeps me from thinking
Which keeps me from sinking
Further into my feelings
But the drinking
Still leads to thinking
And drunk thinking
Leaves me reeling
And all up in my feelings
My emotions hit the ceiling
Overthinking
Stop drinking
Stop thinking
Stop this sinking
Turn off my feelings
Stop all this reeling
Can’t do this again
Trying to numb the pain
Makes it hurt more
Just close that door
What’s it all for?
But I need to numb the feeling
Need to stop overthinking
So I just keep day drinking
And I just keep sinking
It’s a vicious cycle…

What Scares Me

I think what scares me
Is uncertainty
Of not knowing
What’s happening
Live in the moment
Enjoy the day
Enjoy each breath
Stop worrying about
The time you have left
But I have to know
How things will end
Before my brain
Can even begin
To think about
The here and now
Turn it off?
I don’t know how.
I need to know
I need to plan
Just in case
Something happens
Sitting still
Waiting
Hesitating
Anticipating
Dreading
Fretting
Never forgetting
When I was a kid
Life was simple
But turbulent
Back when ignorance
Was bliss
Why am I now like this
Always needing to be in control
Always looking for a way to hold-
On and navigate the storms
That my come,
Is this my new norm?
Living through anxiety
Chaos is what scares me
As I worry about not knowing
Which way this life is going
To turn out, just like I planned
I try to speak it into existence
Hoping that I’ve earned the right
To take the next step in my life
Where calm replaces chaos & strife
And in the world
I just exist
No longer
Am I doing this
Have I done my job
Have I done my best
Or was all this worry
Simply useless?

It Must Be Me

It must be me
Trust only deceives
I take people for what I see
I want to believe
All I do is grieve
When they’re not who
I expect them to be
So I shut down again
And hide the pain
Until someone new comes along
Then it starts again
I forgot the plan
Then they too prove me wrong
Letting them in
That is my sin
And believing they’re just like me
But they’re not really there
They don’t really care
Even after they swear
They’ll always be there
To lend an ear
So I get so excited
Finally, I’ll be set free
But the friendship
Is only one-sided
I must be me
Stop putting my faith in thee
Stop overreacting
Cuz I have no friends
Who I can depend
A shoulder to lean on?
I’m lacking.
So I’ll withdraw once more
Closing another door
Because I’m just socially awkward
Because no one I see
Is quite like me
Nobody really gets me
Until the next time
Committing the same crime
Assuming someone will come save me
They can’t hear silent cries
Can’t see through my disguise
Nobody can tell that I’m faking
Whole life feels like a lie
I’m dying inside
Whole body’s numb
I’m shaking
Maybe one day, I’ll find joy
Maybe someday, I’ll find peace
And going through life won’t be a chore
And I’ll finally calm the beast
Who lives deep inside
Who I try to hide
Keep him away from the surface
But I wonder if it’s worth it
If I finally shout
And let the beast out
Would anyone even notice?

Why Am I Like This?

Why am I like this?
Why do I feel everything so deeply?
Why do I always fall?
Why am I like this?
Why am I shutting down again?
Why do I get so excited?
Why do I let people in?
Why am I like this?
Why am I this way?
Why do I get so caught up?
Why do I make them run away?
Why am I like this?
Why can’t I be happy?
Why can’t I find joy
In what’s right in front of me?
Why am I like this?
Why does it always hurt?
Why do I always end up
Feeling like a jerk?
Why am I like this?
Why doesn’t anybody else see?
That I don’t want to be here,
That it hurts to be me?
Why am I like this?
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I imagine,
That I can escape
To somewhere else?
And what happens if one day
I’m finally lucky enough to get away?
Will I still be like this?
Will this pain finally go away?

Every Day Thanksgiving

You said I was your Twin Flame
You taught me to love again
Showed me who I was supposed to be
You were the one who set my heart free
You freed me from my cell
You were the oasis from the hell
Taught me the difference between Life & Living
You made every day Thanksgiving
Then one day your feelings changed
And our friendship was now strange
You needed time and space
No longer could I see your face
You needed to find yourself
Couldn’t give your heart to someone else
You turned away from me
So that you could be free
And now we don’t talk at all
No longer message, no longer call
My heart was full of pain
Thought I could never love again
My head and heart still remember
All the things you said back in December
All the plans that we had made
And all the words we both said
And I meant each and everyone
But if our story is finally done
You’re still my twin flame
Even if we never talk again
You showed me love
You showed me care
You helped me face my fears
And for all of that I thank you
You taught me to love again
Showed me who I was supposed to be
You were the one who set my heart free
You freed me from my cell
You were the oasis from the hell
Taught me the difference between Life & Living
You made every day Thanksgiving

A New Home

I wanted to give you a new home
The new home of your dreams
Let you decorate on your own
Filled with your favorite things
Paint the bedroom, paint the door
The stair case and the wall
The living room, the kitchen
You can paint them all.
Get rid of all the clutter.
Simplify your life
Time to start all over
A fresh, new start for us both
As husband and wife
But your life is there
And my life is here
You’ve moved on
And started over
As I drown in my tears
You never really needed me
That was easy to see
I just wanted you to want me
Wanted you to set me free
You didn’t need a new home
Or even a new life in Tennessee
You painted over the old one
Your painting didn’t include me
You got rid of all the clutter
Made room for your new things
Made room for the things you hold dear
But no room for me
You made that easy to see

I Had to Let You Go

I had to let you go
It hurt too much
Holding on to a dream
Holding on to us
When so long ago
You moved on
I had to let you go
To get away from the pain
That cut me like a knife
Knowing you didn’t feel the same
I had to let you go
It hurt too much to watch
Seeing you move on with your life
Seeing the future that I lost
I had to let you go
I can’t even be your friend
Talking to you got my hopes up
That we’d be together again
I had to let you go
There were too many reminders of you
Rain, Rainbows, All our Songs
And the talking owls, too
I had to let you go
It hurt too much
Holding on to a dream
Holding on to us
I had to let you go
So I could finally find me.

You’re Still There

You’re still there
And I’m still here
Ignoring each other
After all of these years
You don’t say a word
So I won’t either
This game of Ignoring
Doesn’t make this easier
I can see you there
And I know you see me
But keep up this charade
I don’t understand why
But I stopped putting
Myself out there
I no longer try
Because all I ever do
Is get my hope up
That we’re no longer through
While I sit around
And I wait for you
But the sun still shines
Birds fly through the air
I’m still here
And you’re still there
But I’m done worrying
If you still care…

What Are We Doing?

What are we doing?
What is this game?
We never talk to each other
And when we do, it’s so vague.
It’s like we’re trying fake a friendship
For the sake of still being friends
Keeping each other around
Not wanting the friendship to end
But it feels like that died
When you took back your heart
And when we force it
It just feels like lies
Ripping my insides apart
So I avoid you,
Even though it’s you I miss
My life’s a void without you
There’s always something amiss
And so many reminders
Of the times you said you cared
Walking through life with blinders
Because you’re no longer there.
So we keep playing this game
We keep on pretending
Trying to move on
And trying to be friendly
It would hurt less, If you were gone
And I knew you couldn’t see me
But you’re there, your green light’s on
You just keep on
Looking on, looking right past me
I hate what we’re doing
I hate this game
I don’t want to play it anymore

DMB in West Palm Beach

I just kept looking there
Looking at that empty chair
The empty chair next to me
The empty chair where you should be
But I’m here without you
Trying to enjoy the show
Wishing I didn’t have to
Wishing that you could go
The first show Post-CoViD
This was what we planned
Back when I was your beloved
Back when I was your man
But I kept up my end of the deal
As I sit here in this field
Trying to enjoy this show without you
The way I drift my way through each day
At least they didn’t play Grey Street
I think I would have lost it
Look they’re playing You and Me
As I sit here exhausted
Watching couples hold each other tight
Singing sweetly in the night.
I just kept looking there
Looking at that empty chair
The empty chair next to me
The empty chair where you should be
But I’m here without you,
This was supposed to be our first show,
Seeing DMB in West Palm Beach